joke [Archive] - Biante Model Cars - Australian Diecast Collectors Forum

terrine

07-02-2003, 10:51 AM

At a recent computer exposition (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating:

"If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

brchi17

03-06-2003, 01:44 PM

I was e-mailed this a little while ago thought it was worth sharing.

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........

It read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."

So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

So, today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a quart of gin. Ã‚Â*You have no idea how good I feel.

cheers. :)

Mark

04-06-2003, 05:50 AM

What is big yellow and can't swim?

A steam-roller...

;)

XU1torana

19-06-2003, 02:15 PM

Got back my car from the garage this morning. What a bunch of creative people they have there. The mechanic said that he couldn't repair the brakes, so he made the horn louder.

XU1torana

19-06-2003, 02:22 PM

'Backseat Driver'

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

Riddler

19-06-2003, 02:43 PM

A penguin takes his car down to the mechanic because it is overheating. The mechanic takes a quick look under the bonnet and tells the penguin that he will need the car for about an hour.

The Penguin looking for something to do decides to go get an ice cream. The penguin has trouble holding onto the ice cream with his little arms so just decides to stick his beak in to eat.

An hour passes and the penguin returns to the mechanic.

The mechanic sees the penguin and says 'It looks like you blew a seal'

The pengiun says 'No it was an ice cream'

terrine

19-06-2003, 06:23 PM

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."

terrine

26-10-2003, 07:24 AM

The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 Australian sheep in the Persian Gulf has been solved.....
The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and renamed "The Love Boat".

KiwiRallyFan

26-10-2003, 07:52 AM

yeah...but will there be enough sheep...and do I need to pre-order...:confused:

wayno

27-10-2003, 07:09 AM

Q What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a bucket of oil?

A The oil stays in the bucket.

bernoo

27-10-2003, 01:02 PM

Q: Why dont New Zealanders take their girlfriends to the car races?

A: Because they would jump the fence and eat the grass

HHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Murph has intervue with media.
Q: Mr Murphy, can you make a U turn?

A: Jeez mate, I cam make her eyes pop!!!!!!!

HHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA

XU1torana

28-10-2003, 10:57 AM

A policeman pulls over a driver who has a VB label stuck to his forehead.

The policeman says "Have you been drinking?"

The driver replies "No, I've given up. I'm on the patches now."

XU1torana

11-12-2003, 07:58 AM

A man is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he is
pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving all over the road?"

"No" replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly chick
in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

toad

11-12-2003, 12:40 PM

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police
Cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.
The female Police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for
the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said
to the blonde policewoman
"What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "It's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small
rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and
said, Aha!
This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and
said,
"You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we
could have avoided all this hassle."

wayno

14-12-2003, 12:35 AM

Tony Cochrane was alittle upset about the fracas at the creek, so decided to take Mark Skaife and Russell Ingall on a fishing trip to try and mend a few bridges.
All was going fine. All three were sitting in a boat on lake Eildon, lines in the water but the fish weren't biting and the day was hot.
Suddenly Skaifey says 'bugger this, I'm going to get a beer.'
With that, he stands up, steps off the side of the boat and walks to the shore across the water. He goes to the esky on the shore, grabs a VB and walks back to the boat.
Cochrane is amazed.
Russell Ingall sits there watching Skaifey drink his beer and says 'think I might have one too.' Sure enough he steps off the side of the boat, walks across the water to the shore, grabs a beer and returns to the boat.
Cochrane is now gob-smacked. He looks at the two drivers enjoying a cold one, stunned at what they just did. He thinks to himself 'I'm not going to be outgunned, if they can do it so can I'
'Think I might join you boys' says Tony. He stands up, steps out of the boat and SPLASH, he goes straight to the bottom.
Ingall starts p****** himself laughing and says to Skaife, 'How funny is that, didn't he see the stepping stones!'
Skaifey turns to Ingall with a puzzled look and says, 'What stepping stones?'

in1way

14-12-2003, 03:36 PM

A drunk staggers out of a pub and sees a guy with his head under the bonnet of his car.
Drunk: "Wassa matter mate?"
Car owner: "Piston broke".
Drunk: "Yeah! So am I".
:p

brchi17

14-12-2003, 06:32 PM

Police offer pulls over a car & the following is the conversation that took place.....

Officer : can I see you're licence please ???

Driver : can't, haven't got one !!!

Officer : so what about some registration papers ???

Driver : can't the car's not mine, I stole it !!!

Officer : so have you been drinking ???

Driver : Yea, I just finished a 6-pack down at the pub !!!

Officer : So is there anything else you'd like to tell me ???

Driver : there's a gun in the glovebox

Officer : Anything else ???

Driver : Oh lets not forget the dead body in the boot !!!

The officer rushes back to his car to call for backup.

Time passes & a senior officer & back up arrives & the car is searched.

Senior Officer : What is the story...........??? The driver has a licence, the car is not stolen, we've found no gun in the glovbox & there's no body in the boot

Then the driver pipes up with Next he's going to tell you that I was speeding :D !!!

cheers. :)

terrine

18-12-2003, 03:05 PM

preview of the next episode
piccy attached...

r/peter

terrine

11-01-2004, 08:08 AM

Who says doing it the men's way is better??????

Changing engine oil - woman's way & man's way

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Ultra Tune after driving 10,000klms since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent: Oil Change $55.00 Coffee $2.50 Total $57.50

================================================== ===================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner

and a scented tree, write a cheque for $95.00.

2) Stop by Liquorland and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.

9) Give up and use pliers.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: ! splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil

everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in

trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) A mate shows up, finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish

oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag

pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole

in backyard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to Liquorland buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first Litre of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily

patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in

lawnmower fuel.

29) Discover that first Litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with

oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening

drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorpan in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin swearing fit.

34) Throw stupid pliers.

35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers hit Miss August (2002)

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $95.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail

$1500.00 Beer $60.00 Total-- $4230.00 But! - at least you know the job

was done and you know the job was done right!!!

DISCLAIMER.......
this scenario may not necessarily reflect the views of the poster

terrine

11-01-2004, 08:09 AM

frosty

11-01-2004, 02:00 PM

Peter,

Your timing is unbelieveable.

My son (Yellow VL Turbo owner) has just arrived home from Autobarn.... he is about to change his oil.....
I read your joke to him.... He is going to Ultra Tune..... :)

Malik

11-01-2004, 02:40 PM

Originally posted by terrine
Who says doing it the men's way is better??????

Changing engine oil - woman's way & man's way

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Ultra Tune after driving 10,000klms since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent: Oil Change $55.00 Coffee $2.50 Total $57.50

================================================== ===================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner

and a scented tree, write a cheque for $95.00.

2) Stop by Liquorland and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.

9) Give up and use pliers.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: ! splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil

everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in

trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) A mate shows up, finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish

oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag

pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole

in backyard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to Liquorland buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first Litre of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily

patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in

lawnmower fuel.

29) Discover that first Litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with

oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening

drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorpan in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin swearing fit.

34) Throw stupid pliers.

35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers hit Miss August (2002)

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $95.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail

$1500.00 Beer $60.00 Total-- $4230.00 But! - at least you know the job

was done and you know the job was done right!!!

DISCLAIMER.......
this scenario may not necessarily reflect the views of the poster

SUPERB!!.. thats hilarious...

terrine

23-01-2004, 07:25 AM

Funny Bumperstickers (http://www.digital-laughter.com/bumberstickers2.htm)

maybe theres one of these on your mota

r/peter

terrine

31-01-2004, 07:43 PM

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.
'OK Les give me the bottle opener',
'I didn't bring it' says Les. 'I thought you packed it'.
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??'.
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it.
But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they
will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he
still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts:

'I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F***ING GOING!'

Ford Boy

31-01-2004, 09:20 PM

hahahah, that something my mates would do... funny though!

Oh Five

01-02-2004, 06:29 PM

4 chaps are having a round of golf, when on the 6th hole a funeral rolls by, one of the players stands with his hat to his heart, head bowed.
"that was a nice gesture bill" says one of the players.
"AAAhhh, its the least i could do", Bill said, "we were married 35 years"

in1way

04-02-2004, 01:58 PM

A man walking along a beach on the Gold Coast was deep in prayer.suddenly the sky clouded over and in a booming voice the Lord said:"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all way's,I will grant one wish".
The man replied:"Build a bridge from here to New Zealand,so I can drive across there to go fishing whenever I want".
But the Lord replied:"Your request is very materialistic.Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean,the vast amount of concrete and steel. It would nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it but it is hard to justify your desire for worldly things.Try to think of something more spiritual that would honour and glorify me".
The man thought for a while then finally spoke.
"Lord,"he began,"I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothin's wrong' and how I can make her truly happy."
An awkward pause followed, then the Lord replied:
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge to New Zealand?"

v8coupe

04-02-2004, 03:37 PM

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

in1way

06-02-2004, 12:07 PM

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.

The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going."

The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and
I'm getting a little desperate."

The first guy says "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look
like?"

The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes, long
legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for yours."

wayno

10-02-2004, 06:27 PM

A guy very much like a lot of us is having breakfast on a Wednesday morning. He's got up early, been down the newsagent and is perusing his copy of a nice, fresh Auto Action as he eats his Weet-Bix.
His wife is trying to start a conversation but not getting very far. All statements made are met with either grunts or offhand comments like "ooh, that'll be nice."
In exasperation the wife says "I also wanted to tell you I'm having an affair with your best mate."
After getting no response she screams, "You're not listening to a word I say! I sometimes think you love the V8 Supercar series more than you love me!"
The gut reluctantly puts down his Auto Action and says, "Darling, I love the Konica series more that I love you."

brchi17

15-02-2004, 12:25 PM

Got sent this in an email

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.

"What about if yer din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman
hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetic" said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40" said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case" said the dentist.

"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"

cheers. :D

in1way

15-02-2004, 12:36 PM

Brad,
Having a 75 yr old Scottish neighbour (good ol' bloke) I can relate to that joke, not only funny but TRUE........LOL!!

Glen Alexander

15-02-2004, 02:36 PM

Being of Scottish background, half the family still live there, I can relate very much!!!! Whenever they open their wallets I swear moths fly out of them!!!!

terrine

20-02-2004, 09:34 AM

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack

frosty

20-02-2004, 12:24 PM

Originally posted by terrine
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack

:D

timbo333

20-02-2004, 03:23 PM

I know i'm a bad golfer. Don't think i'll find out if i'm a bad skydiver though...........:D

AS they say............."its the last 6 feet that kill you".

Timbo.

Ford Boy

23-02-2004, 02:46 PM

Why did the Wog go to the doctor?

He was fully sick maate!

:D

Cheers!

goblues

23-02-2004, 07:02 PM

Originally posted by Ford Boy
Why did the Wog go to the doctor?

He was fully sick maate!

Cheers!

Yeah, every time he opened his mouth he went doof-doof!!

:)

terrine

17-03-2004, 04:55 AM

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a Porsche for
speeding.
She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license..
The blonde Porsche driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing in your purse
with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her
compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself.

She hands her compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her
eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and
says.........
"Nice picture honey, but if you'd told me you were a police officer
when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

Nick Short

17-03-2004, 05:11 AM

One dung fly says to another, "I'd invite you in, but the place is a dump".

ferrari fan

17-03-2004, 07:01 AM

"The Irish in vented the wooden toilet seat and were very proud of this feat,
The English ,a 100 years later, improved it out of sight by inventing the hole in the middle!

Happy St' Patricks day to you all. :D

timbo333

17-03-2004, 08:57 AM

Marriage......................
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." He says "In bed this early, doing
what?" She says "Getting a second opinion!"

HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!

He had that coming didn't he.....:D :p

Cheers,

Timbo.

brchi17

29-03-2004, 05:39 PM

HereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s an e-mail I was sent last week, some of them are good, others are a bit lame Ã¢â‚¬â€œ author unknown

Rules For Life
If you are too open minded your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, select the one that you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action there is an equal and opposite Government program.
If you look like your passport picture you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away 3 weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
By the time you make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

enjoy :D

Ford Boy

29-03-2004, 11:41 PM

Hahahaha, I like it!

Leigh

20-04-2004, 05:00 PM

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
:D :D

v8coupe

21-04-2004, 05:24 PM

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough toget a job. You'll
need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenn makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

v8coupe

21-04-2004, 05:28 PM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p'off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I f'en didn't"

v8coupe

21-04-2004, 05:32 PM

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy,
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Glen Alexander

21-04-2004, 07:09 PM

This one might be a bit too risque for the forum and get deleted, but here goes...

'Did you here about the dildo farmer?'

'He had problems with squatters!!!!!'

Glen Alexander

21-04-2004, 07:10 PM

Originally posted by Nick Short
One dung fly says to another, "I'd invite you in, but the place is a dump".

I Love it!!!! HAHA!!!!! That's a crack up!!!! :D

Nick Short

23-04-2004, 05:27 AM

Not really a joke, but along those lines - I'm curious to know whether you got the UK comedy series The Office on TV over there, and if so what people thought of it. It won a sheaf of awards here, and of course in the US, beating Friends as best comedy, but humour doesn't always travel well.

KiwiRallyFan

23-04-2004, 05:54 AM

Nick - We have 'The Office' on TV here in NZ, and it has a big following. I think one thing you Brits do much better than the Americans is TV comedy. Your comedy also holds well over time, which is more than can be said for the US stuff. I was watching Fawlty Towers a couple of months ago, and it's just as funny as the day it was made.

:)

Esses

12-05-2004, 07:34 PM

:D :D

13-05-2004, 01:21 PM

Ever wonder where little trees come from?.......this one might be pushing it!:eek:

Richard Poole

13-05-2004, 01:43 PM

Correct.

13-05-2004, 01:53 PM

Sorry didn't mean to offend.

Richard Poole

13-05-2004, 01:57 PM

didn't offend me, I have seen it before and thought it was quite funny. But still, it could offend others.

I must keep a closer eye on this thread.

the_goldie

13-05-2004, 02:42 PM

Originally posted by BB
Ever wonder where little trees come from?.......this one might be pushing it!:eek:

A good r 0 0 t??? :eek:

wayno

13-05-2004, 03:44 PM

Originally posted by Richard Poole
I must keep a closer eye on this thread.

You have all been warned! :D

Leigh

14-05-2004, 06:06 AM

I thought Richard just wanted a good laugh...;)

Cheers

Riddler

09-06-2004, 04:43 PM

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they are at death's door. As they stumble on hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the far distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro) "ees a bacon tree!!! We are saved".

"You are right amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

Don Pedro drops to the sand and crawls to his dying friend "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out........ "urgh, run, amigo, run!!!.....ees not a Bacon tree............ ees.....a.......Ham Bush".

Esses

09-06-2004, 05:52 PM

Ha, Ha. That's quite funny. As we desperately need rain.....

What's the only thing worse than Raining Cats & Dogs?

Hailing Taxi-Cabs.:D

OK, so it's sick.:)

username

09-06-2004, 05:59 PM

why did the chicken cross the road?

.............................to get to the other side.

terrine

21-06-2004, 10:18 AM

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.

goblues

03-07-2004, 08:03 PM

Originally posted by terrine
Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.

Your wife's not wearing them again, is she?? :)

in1way

08-07-2004, 04:21 PM

A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No,I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

username

08-07-2004, 04:59 PM

There were 3 bees, a squirrel and a man in a car.They were driving along a country lane and the car broke down.

The first bee said, "dont worry i'll give us a few extra kilometres by peeing in the tank", it worked , for a couple of miles that is until they broke down again. And so the second bee decided to do the same as the first bee, but this lasted another couple of kilometres until they broke down again, so the third bee did exactly the same. Then finally the car broke down.

The squirrel said " I'll pee in the tank"

The man replied, sorry mate, this car only runs on BP.

goblues

08-07-2004, 06:27 PM

Good one username. Had me laughing. Also shows what crap petrol BP has. :)

The real OZ GP

09-07-2004, 08:25 AM

An Elderly couple bought an apartment on the Gold coast and every morning they sat on their balcony watching the comings and goings on the beach . Every day they would notice a young girl walk up to people on the beach , glance around furtively and ask them a question , many replied in the negative but ocassionally someone would nod their head , the girl would take a small packet from her bag , money would be exchanged and the girl would walk on .

This behavior happened everyday and the old couple became more and more intrigued as to what the girl was doing , was they selling drugs they wondered , one day the old woman spoke "dear "she aid " have you noticed that she only approaches people with boom boxes " , "yes " replied the old man , "well tomorrow I want you to take the towle and our big radio and find out what is going on ".

Netx morning the old man lay on the beach next to his radio as the girl advanced down the beach , from her balcony the old woman watched excitedly as the girl approached the old man , spoke briefly to him and they exchanged money and packets .

By the time the old man reached home the woman was practically bouncing around the walls , When he got inside she conered him and asked excitedly " was it drugs , speed, exstacy, cocaine , sex " "what was she selling WHAT WAS SHE SELLING " the old man settled into his chair and took a breath
" batteries " he replied
" BATTERIES" shrieked the woman .

"Yup" said the man

"she sells C cells by the sea shore "

bayden

12-07-2004, 06:26 PM

A young boy asks his father- how much does it cost to get married?
Dad replies, I don't know son I'm still paying!;)

Esses

13-07-2004, 05:05 PM

What do you call an Igloo without a Dunny?

An IG!:D

toecutter

13-07-2004, 05:21 PM

Here is another bad joke to go with the above.

Whats got 5 fingers and drives a Tractor..........

A Farm Hand.

terrine

14-07-2004, 11:45 AM

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that enough was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firework, light it, put it in a beer can up to his ear and count to ten. The husband said to the doctor, "To be sure, I may not be the smartest bloke in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me it will do the job." said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a bunger and put it in a beer can. He held the beer can up to his ear and began to count: 1.2.3.4.5. at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand.

bayden

14-07-2004, 05:06 PM

My last argument with the wife was my fault.
She asked "Whats an the t.v."
I said "Dust." :p

bernoo

10-08-2004, 07:08 PM

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

bernoo

10-08-2004, 07:10 PM

Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply
and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic
relationship
until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears. "We can't see each
other anymore..." she sobbed."Why?" gasped Duncan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a

mere crab, and a poor one at that and crabs are the lowest class of
crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only

walk sideways." Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into
the
darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from
far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused

to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The
Lobsters
all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose

from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the
floor...and
all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw
after another! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne,
until
he finally looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush.........................

For quite a while...........................

Finally, the crab spoke.......

"#%ck, I'm pissed."

Xcesiv308

18-08-2004, 08:10 PM

Seeing as things have been abit tense on here lately,, and with all the strife the other nite,,,, thought this might get a smile back on peoples faces,,,, well some people..
__________________________________________________ __

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a
yachting conference in England.

At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the
three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Kiwis.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies .

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats, but
the three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return
trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a
single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Kiwi.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.

When they board the train, the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and
soon after the three Kiwis cram into another, nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the
toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

DAMN AUSSIES

Esses

19-08-2004, 05:09 PM

What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment!:D

Esses

19-08-2004, 05:15 PM

This Bloke's been dating 3 women. Decides to marry 1 of them, but which 1?

Gives each $5000-00 to see what they'll do.

The 1st does the full make-over including lots of lingerie....you get the idea. He's impressed.

The 2nd buys him heaps of sporting gifts. He's very impressed.

The 3rd invests the money, doubles it & puts it in a joint account. He's VERY impressed.

He thinks & thinks.......which one to marry?

Finally.......he marries the one with the biggest boobs.:D

Decisions, decisions.

bernoo

08-09-2004, 07:07 PM

What is the difference between a Hoover and a Harley

The position of the Dirt Bag

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA:D

Y2kGoofball

08-09-2004, 08:27 PM

please dont let any of these offend ... if they do please remove / edit them!

Link to Windows RG

http://www.deanliou.com/WinRG/WinRG.htm

(a must for anyone thats ever used Windows ... well ... err assuming your using a computer to access the internet I assume thats you!)

Try to close it via the start menu, just like real life!

-----------------

* My driving must be supurb! When I returned to my car last night someone left a note on the window that said "parking fine"!

-----------------
* I hate people that take drugs.

... Customs officers for instance!

-----------------
*If we've got anyone thats studied or knows HTML or programming code such as VB or Q basic you'll understand ... if not just read it slowly ...

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

the_goldie

09-09-2004, 06:35 AM

I love it Y2KGOOFBALL!!!

terrine

10-09-2004, 03:25 PM

is this one of you guys? (http://community.webshots.com/photo/159569493/185 865776XzNynL)

r/peter;)

terrine

10-09-2004, 03:26 PM

is this one of you guys? (http://community.webshots.com/photo/159569493/185 865776XzNynL)

r/peter;)

goblues

11-09-2004, 06:55 PM

Originally posted by terrine
is this one of you guys? (http://community.webshots.com/photo/159569493/185 865776XzNynL)

r/peter;)

I resemble that!!! :D

17-09-2004, 03:17 PM

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The ship's Captain had a parrot, which happened to watch the same show each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
All of a sudden it started yelling in the middle of a show,
"Look it's not the same hat", and "Look he's hiding the flowers under the table". "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of spades". and so on...
Well the magician was furious but couldn't do any thing about it, after all it was the Captain's parrot.
One day the ship suddenly sprang a leak and sunk. The magician found himself in the water clinging to a piece of wood with the parrot sitting on the end looking at him. They stared at one another for days not uttering a word. Until after a week at sea the parrot finally says "OK I give up, where's the ship?".

goblues

24-09-2004, 08:48 PM

Found these gems on www.dragster.com.au's forum

Actual comments from sports commentators they wish they could take back!

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch & Jerk Event: "This is Gegoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "This lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been some injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I think we can expect to see the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: " Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator:" One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

goblues

24-09-2004, 08:51 PM

For more of a laugh, check this (http://www.dragster.com.au/modules/newbb/viewtopi c.php?topic_id=532&forum=16) out.

KiwiRallyFan

25-09-2004, 06:41 AM

Originally posted by goblues
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "This lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
Murray Walker at his best?

goblues

25-09-2004, 07:56 PM

Originally posted by KiwiRallyFan
Murray Walker at his best?

I've never forgotten him calling a driver that spun 180 degrees coming out of a corner, and then spin it again 180 to face the way he was supposed to be facing and then resume racing as "he's just done a 360, and now he's doing another 360 to turn around the other way to resume racing"

While the words might not be quite correct, he definately called 360, followed by the second 360. Murray was becoming a babbling idiot in my books, after that.

toecutter

30-09-2004, 05:40 PM

UK ROUNDABOUT (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v458/ToecutteR/ Funnies/britishroundabout.jpg)

STOP (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v458/ToecutteR/ Funnies/stop.jpg)

ALL ABOARD (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v458/ToecutteR/ Funnies/auto1.jpg)

BILL (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v458/ToecutteR/ Funnies/bill.bmp)

BIKE (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v458/ToecutteR/ Funnies/bike1.bmp)

Nick Short

30-09-2004, 05:57 PM

Driven that roundabout many times - it's called the Magic Roundabout locally!

toecutter

01-10-2004, 03:21 PM

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

GSXR1

05-10-2004, 10:05 PM

Late one night, a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road a policeman stopped him.

"What are you doing out at two in the morning?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture" the man said.

"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked sarcastically.

"My wife..." said the man.

biante1762

06-10-2004, 03:39 PM

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Perth where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman. "Very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping Husband Mart... have a nice day.

bayden

06-10-2004, 07:20 PM

A blonde woman rungs up her local travel agent and asks- "How long would it take to get from Melbourne to Perth."
The travel agent says "Just a minute", with that the blonde says thank you and hangs up!:D

bayden

06-10-2004, 07:23 PM

A bloke goes to see his doctor, the doctor says to him- "Look I don't like the look of your wife".
The bloke replies- "neither do I, but she looks after the kids and can cook really well'!:p

toecutter

19-10-2004, 03:16 PM

WHO IS JACK SCHITT???
The Schit Family History is finally revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says

"You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

So, now if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but everyone on the Schitt list!

goblues

19-10-2004, 03:29 PM

I like that one toecutter. Schitt Hot!! :D

toecutter

25-10-2004, 02:24 AM

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's John Howards clock?"asked the man.

"Howards clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

toecutter

25-10-2004, 02:36 AM

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

:eek:

biante1762

25-10-2004, 12:05 PM

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days ! "She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up on the fat cow.

toecutter

27-10-2004, 12:43 AM

:confused:

News Flash!!!
The Death of The Energizer Bunny
Shocks the World!!!

Known best for, "going and going and going..."
passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming,...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

:rolleyes:

Ford Boy

28-10-2004, 10:49 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :D :D

biante1608

28-10-2004, 11:19 AM

DEFINITION OF A BBQ

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man
volunteers
to do the
BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the
necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who
is lounging
beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he
deals
with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, serviettes,
sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10)Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11)The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just
no pleasing some women!

DEFINITION OF A BBQ DEFINITION OF A BBQ

toad

08-11-2004, 07:42 PM

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and Model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This was going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to stimulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh!t too.

THURSDAY

Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire -like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - - which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that ***** Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps, I don't have triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F*C**NG Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun - - - like a root canal or a vasectomy

HRT 1-2

02-12-2004, 01:02 PM

Wait for the pic to clear before it makes sense!

My friend is selling his car and has asked me to see if i know anyone who might want it. It's a 99 BMW 320, black, 21,250 km on the clock, as new except for a dent in the roof from a soccer ball . Price: $25,000 ono.

Keen to sell as moving overseas. There is a photo attached. If you're interested and want a closer look, let me know

holden_on

02-12-2004, 05:39 PM

was it only driven on sunday's & have one owner (car yard speel).:D

toecutter

14-12-2004, 03:58 PM

Body meeting...
All the organs of the body were having a meeeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. " I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happened".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'll all waste away".

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

Moral of the story?

The ******* IS USUALLY IN CHARGE!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A middle aged.....seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh"

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

"You're simply going through the change."

mrmavx

14-12-2004, 05:46 PM

Australian Dictionary of Computer Terminology...

Log On - Make the barbecue hotter

Log Off - The barbecue is too hot

Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue

Download - Get the firewood off the ute

Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies

Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys

Window - What you shut when it's cold

Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season

Byte - What mosquitoes do

Bit - What mosquitoes did

Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do

Chip - A bar snack

Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

Modem - What you did to the lawns

Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at McDonald's

Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

Mainframe - What holds the shed up

Web - What spiders make

Web Site - The shed or under the verandah

Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot

Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

Upgrade - A steep hill

Server - The sheila at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

Online - When you get the laundry hung out

Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

GRPIII

14-12-2004, 06:37 PM

2 pakistian man migrating with there famlies to aus, made a bet to see whom in 12 months would be the more australian.
the first pakistian says " i eat a meat pie for breakfast, my son plays footy & i drive a holden"
the second pakistian says "f#%k off towel head".

crispy crunchy

14-12-2004, 07:01 PM

what do you call a prostitute on anphetimenes?

a speed hump!!;)

Xcesiv308

15-12-2004, 06:59 AM

This is NOT a joke.... :)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled

"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

mmmmmmm some useless bits of information.
regards

Tyson:D

Damian

17-12-2004, 08:38 AM

This passage was emailed to me so I would like to share this with the rest of you.

THIS IS FUNNY! IF YOU CAN BE BOTHERED TO READ IT.

Subject: Hell of a story

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is
more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Regards
Damian

rpz00m

17-12-2004, 09:53 AM

Originally posted by Damian
This passage was emailed to me so I would like to share this with the rest of you.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Regards
Damian

Seen this before but the ending was
'So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by a young lady during my Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in Hell before I date you", and take into account the fact I still have not succeeded in having dated her, then number 2 cannot be true, and so Hell is Exothermic."
The student got the only A.

Esses

17-12-2004, 04:58 PM

Originally posted by Xcesiv308
This is NOT a joke.... :)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled

"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

mmmmmmm some useless bits of information.
regards

Why is Golf called "Golf"? Because SH*T was already taken!

Tyson: :

camshaft

17-12-2004, 06:20 PM

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Nicholas.

Nicholas who?

Nicholas girls should'nt climb trees!

Xcesiv308

17-12-2004, 06:28 PM

HA HA HA,,,,, you idiot,,,, :D

Xcesiv308

17-12-2004, 06:38 PM

Originally posted by Steve
:
I'm not really sure what drugs this guys computer is on but what he has said I quoted is nothing like my post,,,,,:mad:

Esses

18-12-2004, 04:08 PM

Originally posted by Xcesiv308
I'm not really sure what drugs this guys computer is on but what he has said I quoted is nothing like my post,,,,,:mad:

Firstly, 308. I think you've nailed it with the computer on drugs thing. All I did was hit the quote button for the info. on Golf (which I found very interesting, BTW) to highlight the relevance of the little joke on Golf/Sh*t that I then related. That joke was straight out of one of Tom Clancy's "Jack Ryan" books. The way it appeared on the thread was nothing to do with me, I don't have the Computer nous to be that clever. If I had to guess I'd say that there was a little server glitch somewhere. No offence intended & none taken :) , there's not even been French Champagne spilt on this 'puter, let alone drugs.

Xcesiv308

18-12-2004, 08:23 PM

That's fine Steve, you can surely see where I was coming from after seeing what was added to what seemed as a QUOTE from me, so I will accept your reply as an official appology, and believe me I am cool, :D
I am after all in Tassie,

r/ Tys

Xcesiv308

18-12-2004, 08:25 PM

Originally posted by Steve
Firstly, 308. I think you've nailed it with the computer on drugs thing. All I did was hit the quote button for the info. on Golf (which I found very interesting, BTW) to highlight the relevance of the little joke on Golf/Sh*t that I then related. That joke was straight out of one of Tom Clancy's "Jack Ryan" books. The way it appeared on the thread was nothing to do with me, I don't have the Computer nous to be that clever. If I had to guess I'd say that there was a little server glitch somewhere. No offence intended & none taken :) , there's not even been French Champagne spilt on this 'puter, let alone drugs. So please accept this as my official appology 308. :D

thanks

r/ Tys

XR8

18-12-2004, 10:19 PM

What did the Mexican fireman name his two boys?

Hose A and Hose B.........

-------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants fell off a cliff, Boom Boom...........

-------------------------------------------------------------

What did the famer say to the cow on his roof?

Get Off.

What did the cow say?

Moo.

--------------------------------------------------------------
With apologies to Andrew Dice Clay.

Three blind mice, See how they run.
Where the hell are they going?

---------------------------------------------------------------

That's enough from me for now I think........

Ed :)

Riddler

22-12-2004, 05:51 AM

Some people have too much time on their hands...

http://triggur.org/robodump/

timbo333

23-12-2004, 09:36 AM

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?Ã¢â‚¬?!
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, Ã¢â‚¬Å“Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
First - The bartender is a blonde girl.
Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Third - IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m a 6 foot tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter and
fifth - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?Ã¢â‚¬?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,

And declares,Ã¢â‚¬?Nah...Not if IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m gonna have to explain it five times.Ã¢â‚¬? !

Hehehehehehehe:D :p

Cheers and Merry Christmas,

Timbo.

Xcesiv308

23-12-2004, 03:16 PM

ROFL...very good Timbo, a fitting end,:D

A Very Merry Xmas & a Safe & Prosperous New Year to you and yours.

regards

Tys

the_goldie

24-02-2005, 10:28 AM

Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her
first-grade pupils.

"Little Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think Ishould be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.

The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test
and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to thefirst-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.
"What is three times three?"
"Nine, Sir."

"How much is nine times six?"
"Fifty-four."

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think
Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Johnny both agreed. Ms.Brooks asked, "What does a cow have
four of that I have only two of? Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs,
Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
"Pockets!"

"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut."

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.
"Bubblegum!"

What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shakehands, Ma'am."

"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK?

First one. You stick your pole inside me, you tie me
down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"

"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When
you blow me, you feel good."
"Nose."

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I
come with a quiver."
"Arrow."

"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an
'F', ends in K',and means a lot of heat and
excitement?" "Firetruck, Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to
the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last
ten questions wrong myself!"

Enjoy your day, you dirty minded people.

Footy

24-02-2005, 03:00 PM

A man was sitting on a beach and he had no arms and no legs,
Three women walking past felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The bloke said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked away.
Then the second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The bloke said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked away.
Then the third woman came up to him and said "Have you ever been f****d?"
The bloke said "No", so she said "You will be when the tide comes in!"

Ford Boy

26-02-2005, 12:13 PM

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him
for
$500.00. So they spend the night together.

In the morning , before he left, he told the girl that he did not have
any cash with him. but that he would have his secretary write a cheque
and
mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing the
the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for
$250.00
and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented
the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following
reply.
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is
plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire
someone to remove your furniture.

Xcesiv308

26-02-2005, 03:19 PM

My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

( All names used are fictional):D

Footy

26-02-2005, 10:58 PM

Subject: Fw: employment interview

The interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way"?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off".

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The
hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that"

Chriso

28-03-2005, 03:47 PM

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
>> long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This
>> is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed
>> from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
>> say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
>>
>> the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
>> Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
>> I know why they record these conversations!):
>> Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
>> Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>> Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
>> Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
>> went away."
>> Operator: "Went away?"
>> Caller: "They disappeared."
>> Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
>> Caller: "Nothing."
>> Operator: "Nothing??"
>> Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
>> Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
>> Caller: "How do I tell?"
>> Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
>> Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
>> Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
>> Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
>> type."
>> Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
>> Caller: "What's a monitor?"
>> Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
>> Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
>> Caller: "I don't know."
>> Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
>>
>> power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
>> Caller: "Yes, I think so."
>> Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
>> plugged into the wall.
>> Caller: "Yes, it is."
>> Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
>> were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
>> Caller: "No."
>> Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
>>
>> the other cable."
>> Caller: "Okay, here it is."
>> Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
>> the back of your computer."
>> Caller: "I can't reach."
>> Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
>> Caller: "No."
>> Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
>> over??"
>> Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
>> because it's dark."
>> Operator: "Dark??"
>> Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
>> coming in from the window."
>> Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
>> Caller: "I can't."
>> Operator: "No? Why not??"
>> Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
>> Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
>> now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
>> computer came in??"
>> Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
>> Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
>>
>> like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
>> it from."
>> Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
>> Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>> Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
>> Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer

Ford Boy

28-03-2005, 06:50 PM

HAHAHAHAHA That guy is a legend. He really does deserve a promotion. Like alot of our customers! Just seem brain dead!

crispy crunchy

28-03-2005, 09:29 PM

true story from yesterday
a casual from where my wife works rang up and asked boss if the shop was still on daylight savings time or had they switched back to normal and when should she come in, yes shes blonde:confused:

08-04-2005, 06:50 PM

FW: Really bad joke

yeah this is bad

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The
driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over
and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so
awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man
crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to
the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto
the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he
hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and
again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He goes over to the woman and asks, "What is in that can? What
did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the
label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch
line....)

(You can still delete it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says........

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Chriso

08-04-2005, 07:05 PM

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says 'Can you please come quick, my house is on fire and will be demolished if you don't save it!'

The fireman asks "How do we get there?"

"Hellloooooo", the blonde replies, "in the f***ing big red truck!"

Ford Boy

09-04-2005, 06:32 AM

OK, I just heard this one last night, please dont hurt me...

What do you get if you put a dog in a submarine?

A Subwoofer mate!

My bad.... :rolleyes:

Chriso

12-04-2005, 09:11 PM

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's Lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again"

13-04-2005, 08:34 AM

Good one Chriso, thats a keeper.:D

Chriso

21-04-2005, 08:51 PM

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

22-04-2005, 10:24 AM

St Peter and Jesus were standing at the Pearly Gates chatting. As you do. Up walked this bloke and requested entry to the Kindom of Heaven.

St Peter asked what his name was and he replied,

"Joseph"

Curious he asked the man "and what did you do with your time on earth?"

"I was a Carpenter" said the man

St Peter and Jesus looked at each other and then St Peter

asked "did your son have holes punched into his hands and feet",

to which the man replied " why yes he did.

All of a sudden Jesus jumps out from around the pillar of the

Pearly Gates and yells "Father!"

The man replies "Pinocchio!!"

Nick Short

22-04-2005, 07:44 PM

A change of career for anyone interested....[pic to follow]

bernoo

23-04-2005, 08:38 AM

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she
decides
to ask God for help. She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... God!!, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The
blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself.....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this. BUY A TICKET."

username

23-04-2005, 12:29 PM

umm, here's a joke/pick up line for the single flies on the forum...

Two male flies are buzzing around looking for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow dung and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but.. is this stool taken?"

:rolleyes: :p

Esses

23-04-2005, 05:48 PM

Originally posted by Nick Short
A change of career for anyone interested....[pic to follow]

Thanks, but not the sort of Career change I had in mind.:)

Ford Boy

24-04-2005, 06:02 PM

DISCLAIMER: Not having a shot or discriminating against anyone here... those who follow AFL will understand it better than those who dont...

Mark Williams, the coach of Port Adelaide Power, gets wind of a
potential new young recruit who lives in Iraq.

Williams and the Power Recruiting Manager catch a plane to war torn
Baghdad and track the young boy down.
They risk life and limb dodging bombs, bullets and grenades but
finally find him and convince him to come to Australia.
The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and
gets picked on the bench in the seniors for the first game of the
year.
Ten minutes into the first quarter, Chad Cornes goes down with a
severe knee injury. Mark Williams turns to the boy and says "This is
it
son, go to centre half forward and show us what you can do."
The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in AFL history.
He kicks 9 goals, takes mark of the year, and kicks the winning goal
after the siren from outside 50.
The Power chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in
the rooms. Mark Williams tells the team what the boy from Iraq has
been through and that he is a model lesson for all.

Williams then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my
office son, ring your Mother and tell her what you did today".
He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone,
"Guess what I did today?"
"I don't care what you did today his Mother replies. "I tell you
what happened here today" she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed
and robbed, our house torched, our car blown up, your sister raped and
your brother abducted."

"Gee" says the boy, "I feel a bit responsible for what happened".

The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for
you we would never have shifted to Port Adelaide."

KiwiRallyFan

29-04-2005, 10:42 AM

HER SIDE OF THE STORY:

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn't, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:

Played badly today.....shot 97.....can't putt for sh*t!

Felt kind of tired.

Got laid though.

Ford Boy

30-04-2005, 12:09 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA! I LOVE IT!

Goodwrench3

30-04-2005, 12:20 AM

An oldie but a goodie!!!

admin

30-04-2005, 05:54 AM

NEWS FLASH

A helicopter crashed into a cemetery today in Ireland.

Rescue teams have recovered 382 bodies so far.

wayno

30-04-2005, 08:59 AM

Originally posted by admin
NEWS FLASH

A helicopter crashed into a cemetery today in Ireland.

Rescue teams have recovered 382 bodies so far.

Looks like their ejector seats didn't work! :D

Footy

30-04-2005, 07:51 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo ****. Someone has stolen tent."

rusky26

01-05-2005, 07:28 PM

What do you call a cow with only two legs?

lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs?

ground beef

Footy

03-05-2005, 09:38 PM

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make
things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

Chriso

04-05-2005, 02:06 PM

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.

You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?".

.Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.".

07-05-2005, 12:58 PM

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned Water into Wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

07-05-2005, 09:12 PM

THE WELSH

A Welsh Boyo buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting

pregnant and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The

farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not

wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the

sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and

instead will lie-down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he

Has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land

Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them

back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the

first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives

them out to the woods, Bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings

them back,and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive

them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon

returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even

raise himself from the bed to look out Of the window. He asks his wife to

look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is

Beeping the horn."

Footy

14-05-2005, 09:41 PM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

biante1608

15-05-2005, 08:07 AM

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says Can you please come quick, my
house is on fire and will be demolished if you don't save it!'
The fireman asks "How do we get there?"

"Hellloooooo", the blonde replies, "in the big red truck!"

biante1608

15-05-2005, 08:09 AM

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He
had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a
hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did
excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one
used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and
the executive approached her and said:

"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or
Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like ****."

Chriso

16-05-2005, 06:21 PM

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking
his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAIT!

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm
putting my f*****g shoes on "

biante1608

16-05-2005, 07:12 PM

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. The cage had a label that read '$50.00'.

"Why so cheap?" The woman asked the pet store owner. The owner said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution and sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird
anyway. So she bought it and took it home. She hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "New house, new
madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought, "That's
not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them
and said, "New house, new madam, new hookers."

The girls and the woman were a bit taken aback but then began to laugh
about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The
bird looked at him and said.

"Hi Keith."

terrine

17-05-2005, 09:14 AM

This test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation. You will have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is
important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Victoria, just outside of Seymour, to be
exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by
a cyclone and severe floods.

You are a "West Australian" photographer and you are in the
middle of this great disaster.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. Nature is
showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything
away.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for
his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water
and mud.

You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly
you know who it is - it's Eddie Maguire!! At the
same time you notice that the raging waters are about to
take him away, forever

You have two options. You can save him or you can take the
best photo of your life.

So you can save the life of Eddie, or you can shoot a
Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the
death of one of the Australia's most powerful men.

Now here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select colour film, or would you rather go with
the simplicity of classic black and white?

terrine

20-05-2005, 06:56 AM

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's. God saw that it was good.

Then evening came and morning came and it was the Second day. On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach. God saw that it was good. Then evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day Godc reated the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs. God saw that it was good. Then evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's. God saw that it was good. Then evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's. God saw that it was good. Then evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Then evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at thet winkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucousl aughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzlingp rawns and God saw that it was good.... well almost good. He saw that the blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheila's - to clean the house, bear children, wash, and cook and clean the BBQ. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!

Chriso

27-05-2005, 07:52 PM

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has answered it correctly - including me.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

(Give this some thought before you answer). SCROLL DOWN.

Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

28-05-2005, 06:56 AM

I've heard this before and was told it was an FBI profile question given to suspects to understand their thought processes.

Believe it or not my 22yo daughter got it right:eek:

Martin Thomas

28-05-2005, 09:44 AM

Me too:eek:

v8coupe

29-05-2005, 09:07 AM

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

v8coupe

29-05-2005, 09:24 AM

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

Next day John was sitting on the couch, when suddenly he remembered that he had chucked the parrot in the freezer. While rushing to the freezer, he was fully convinced that he had frozen the parrot to death. Apon opening the freezer door, there was the parrot, red faced, puffing and panting, sweat just pooring off of him. John was in total shock and in disbelief. Here is his parrot, been the freezer for at least 24 hours and is still alive. John asks the parrot " Why are you so hot and tired?, you've been locked in here for at least 24 hours".
Parrot "Have you ever tried to F*** and frozen chicken?"

v8coupe

29-05-2005, 09:25 AM

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.

wayno

31-05-2005, 01:50 PM

Victa are releasing a new mower called the Corby. It holds four kilo's of grass and is guaranteed for 20 years.

the_goldie

31-05-2005, 02:15 PM

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize
they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Jim, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

brchi17

31-05-2005, 06:34 PM

I just drove past Shapelle Corby's beauty salon. Sign on the door says 'back in 20'

Leigh

20-06-2005, 10:19 AM

Probably not a joke, but for want for putting it somewehere else...

Being an email, I wouldn't put too much weight in the first few lines below, but the last one is correct

Are you stressed?

One teacher said, "I felt like they were all moving...but slowly. Kind of like, they were breathing."

The pictures attached are used to test the level of stress a person can handle.
The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress.
Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly; however, senior citizens and kids see them standing still. (NOT!)

None of these images are animated - they are perfectly static.

Now you just have to wait for Biante to approve the next three pics!

Leigh

20-06-2005, 10:23 AM

Pic 2/3

Leigh

20-06-2005, 10:25 AM

Last Pic

hobby

20-06-2005, 05:21 PM

Q ; Why wasn't Jesus born in New Zealand.

A : They couldn,t find three wise men .

Chriso

20-06-2005, 08:02 PM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

hobby

26-06-2005, 10:03 PM

Hi again to all,
hope my jokes do not affend.
here is another.

The Surgeons Funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes,the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.

It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,"Why are you laughing, Mister ?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. I'm a gynecologist."

toecutter

06-07-2005, 05:13 PM

Porsche vs Bird **Warning to Animal Lovers**

http://www.members.optusnet.com.au/~surieaj/avd/po rschevsbird013.jpg

http://www.members.optusnet.com.au/~surieaj/avd/po rschevsbird024.jpg

http://www.members.optusnet.com.au/~surieaj/avd/po rschevsbird031.jpg

http://www.members.optusnet.com.au/~surieaj/avd/po rschevsbird042.jpg

Do you want fries with that?

goblues

06-07-2005, 06:43 PM

Originally posted by toecutter
Porsche vs Bird **Warning to Animal Lovers**

http://www.members.optusnet.com.au/~surieaj/avd/po rschevsbird013.jpg

http://www.members.optusnet.com.au/~surieaj/avd/po rschevsbird024.jpg

http://www.members.optusnet.com.au/~surieaj/avd/po rschevsbird031.jpg

http://www.members.optusnet.com.au/~surieaj/avd/po rschevsbird042.jpg

Do you want fries with that?

Tomato Sauce included in price. :D

07-07-2005, 08:11 AM

Warning from NRMA

This comes from a policeman. There really are some sicko's out there

Warning from NRMA - Be aware of new car-jacking scheme

CAR JACKING

You walk across the car park, unlock your car and get inside. Then you lock all your doors, start the engine and shift into REVERSE, and you look into the rear-view mirror to back out of your parking space and you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift the gear stick back into PARK,unlock your doors and jump out off your car to remove that paper (or what ever it is) that is obstructing your view.

When you reach the back of your car, that is when the car-jackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off!! Your engine was running, you would have left your purse in the car and they practically mow you down as they speed off in your car.

BE AWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED IN SYDNEY Just drive away and get the paper that is stuck to your window later, and be thankful that you read this email.

I hope you will forward this to friends and family especially to women!

A purse contains all identification, and you certainly do NOT want someone getting your home address.

They already HAVE your keys!!!

__________________________________________________ _______________

----- End forwarded message -----

info-blizzard

07-07-2005, 05:37 PM

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.

As you would expect, the lawyer is an arrogant b..tard who thinks that he is smarter than the cop because of his education and training. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.

Cop says, "Licence, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me the fine, if not you let me go and no fine."

Cop says, "Okay, get out of your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

wayno

28-07-2005, 12:54 PM

What do England wicket keeper Gerrait Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both wear gloves for no reason.

What would Glenn McGrath be if he played for England?

An all rounder.

TBVX05

28-07-2005, 01:00 PM

Haha yes exactly!

wayno

31-07-2005, 07:30 PM

I thought this was funny (please wait for att to be approved).

toad

31-07-2005, 07:41 PM

One for the men......

Men Are Just Happier People - what do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can
be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to
a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell
you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to
another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You
don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same
work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress:$5000 - Tux
rental:$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of
shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on
your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years,
maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play
with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One
wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear
shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a
pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in
25minutes.

toad

31-07-2005, 07:52 PM

A politically incorrect joke....

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here
are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8
to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

NSWERS
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes,
you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
someone.

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of
idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep
the rest of USA in line.

02-08-2005, 08:48 PM

A man walks into a sex shop and asks for a life-sized rubber doll.
"Normal or Muslim?" asks the assistant.
"What's the difference?" asks the man
"The Muslim one blows itself up..."

Chriso

28-08-2005, 06:53 PM

Don't open the photo, until you've read the below,

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer.

A woman, Blonde no less, came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the
piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Now open the photo to learn what a 710 is.

Chriso

28-08-2005, 07:05 PM

http://smartasses.org/aussiequiz.html

Martin Thomas

28-08-2005, 09:28 PM

Originally posted by Chriso
Don't open the photo, until you've read the below,

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer.

A woman, Blonde no less, came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the
piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Now open the photo to learn what a 710 is.

No pic but I'm guessing its the OIL filler cap (up-side-down)??????

Chriso

28-08-2005, 09:48 PM

I should of said wait for admin but yeah thats it yah spoil sport :D

wayno

29-08-2005, 05:58 AM

Originally posted by Chriso
http://smartasses.org/aussiequiz.html

20/20. Too easy!

crispy crunchy

31-08-2005, 08:38 PM

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to:
The Italian guy, ''You're in charge of sweeping''
The Scotsman, ''You're in charge of shovelling''
The Chinese guy, ''You're in charge of supplies.''

He then says, ''Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that pile.''

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and, when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, ''Why didn't you sweep any of it?''
The Italian replies, ''I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocoulda finda him nowhere.''

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, ''And you; I thought I told you to shovel this pile.''

The Scotsman replies, ''Aye, ye did, lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either.''

The foreman is real angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells.

''SUPPLIES!!Ã¢â‚¬?

sorry guys!!!!

:p

Nick Short

01-09-2005, 11:20 AM

Love it!

From the Edinburgh Fringe:

My parents were from Glasgow, so they were incredibly hard. I was never smacked though - well, maybe one or two grammes to help me sleep.

The dodo died, then Dodi and Di died - Dido must be s******* herself.

Is it fair to say there'd be less litter if blind people were given pointed sticks?

You have to remember every trivial thing your girlfriend tells you, because one day you'll be tested. She'll ask "what's my favourite flower?" and you mutter to yourself "s***, I wasn't listening - self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place - only the other day I went into a shop and punched someone in the face.

I saw that show "50 Things To Do Before You Die". I would have thought the obvious one would be "shout for help".

I went out with an Catholic girl once. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork.....

"Employee of the Month" is a good example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

I went into McDonalds the other day and saw a spotty youth mopping up vomit in the toilet. His shirt said "I'm Lovin' It", but funnily enough the expression on his face said something entirely different.

05-09-2005, 07:31 PM

Why you should not park in front of fire hydrants.

Wait for picture to be aproved.

terrine

06-09-2005, 11:34 AM

Crawford, Texas (not AP) -

A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of President
George W. Bush.

The fire began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were
kept.

Both of his books have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had
almost finished coloring the second one.

06-09-2005, 03:11 PM

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Footy

10-09-2005, 09:42 PM

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.":eek:

brchi17

15-09-2005, 09:48 PM

apologies if this one has been posted (I don't think it has), but I got it & it gave me a laugh :D

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
policeman.

As you would expect, the lawyer is an arrogant b..tard who thinks
That he is smarter than the cop because of his education and
training.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
cop's expense.

Cop says, "Licence, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License,
please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete
stop,that's the law. Licence, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me
the fine, if not you let me go and no fine."

Cop says, "Okay, get out of your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the cop takes out his baton and starts beating
The crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

sorry timbo ;)

15-09-2005, 10:22 PM

Cherish What You Have

John met Sharon in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the

evening

Sharon invited John to her place, where they quickly got involved in a

very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and

snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking John's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, John comments, "Surely you can't be ready

for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and

miss the days when I had mine."

Riddler

16-09-2005, 07:50 AM

It has just been confirmed by CNN.

President Bush has just announced " As per US Intelligence, the Devastating flood in New Orlean's was not caused by Katrina but by Abdul, a Suicide plumber from Iraq."

Leigh

16-09-2005, 11:42 AM

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but. All you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothing. Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing. Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.

This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ekka. Alls ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.

Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - its not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 105 kilos and I'm 5 foot six and 57 kilos, but I fought to the end.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Sheryl:eek:

Kiwiracing

16-09-2005, 11:50 AM

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Cheers
Kiwiracing

Kiwiracing

16-09-2005, 11:55 AM

A Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka.
Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"KAMATE, KAMATE, KA-ORA, KA-ORA...KAMATE..." The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing.

So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"KAMATE, KAMATE, KA-ORA, KAORA...KAMATE..."

What the ??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain.

So they decided to send the Beam down and take another part of his brain.

The Aliens watched on.

"KAMATE, KAMATE, KA-ORA, KA-ORA...KAMATE..." WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all. He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?" And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on, the bloke began to sing,

"WALTZING MATILDA...WALTZING MATILDA...."

:eek: :D

Cheers
Kiwiracing

Leigh

16-09-2005, 12:51 PM

You just watch yourself Darin. This IS an Australian Forum!!!!

16-09-2005, 03:15 PM

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"
After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."
So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"
Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened.
Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"
Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

bernoo

16-09-2005, 05:37 PM

Three single dads were at the pub one day, an Aussie, an American and an Irish man, discussing their now teenage daughters.
The aussie dad said ' I can't believe it, I dont normally go in me daughters room, but I did
the other day and I found a packet of smokes. I didnt even know she smoked'
The Yankee piped up ' same thing happened to me just last
week. Icruised past her bedroom and her door was open and I saw a half drunk bottle of bourbon in there and I didnt even know she drank'.
"Thats nothing" says ol Irish Mick " I was in me daughters room the other day and found a packet of condoms, and didnt even know she had a di#k"
:D

Kiwiracing

16-09-2005, 06:25 PM

Originally posted by lcfp2297
You just watch yourself Darin. This IS an Australian Forum!!!!

Ha ha, come and get me;) I must be turning into an aussie:eek: as I had trouble reading BB's joke.

Cheers
Kiwiracing

wayno

16-09-2005, 11:20 PM

I apologise in advance for this joke, but it made me laugh.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.

He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me againÃ¢â‚¬?.

"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

I'm REALLY sorry about this.

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

Chriso

16-09-2005, 11:57 PM

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic work schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel together, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife to follow the next day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and since there was a computer in his room, he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 14, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to
your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. - Sure is bloody hot down here!

Footy

18-09-2005, 08:53 PM

Originally posted by wayno

I'm REALLY sorry about this..
No your not! :D :D

hobby

18-09-2005, 09:19 PM

Hi again to all .

Had this emailed to me thought i would pass it on .

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................

So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!

toecutter

20-09-2005, 11:43 AM

A Man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", He mumbles from behind his mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again, to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says: "There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man finally pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice nurse, BUT are...my...test...results....back:D

Leigh

04-10-2005, 09:57 AM

go to www.google.com.au

Perform a search on FAILURE;)

Esses

04-10-2005, 04:34 PM

Originally posted by lcfp2297
go to www.google.com.au

Perform a search on FAILURE;)

That is PRICELESS!:D

Ford Boy

04-10-2005, 05:58 PM

Id been havin a bad day till I read that! Thanks!

Footy

09-10-2005, 09:23 PM

A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.

Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.

Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but "re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more you re- organize, the morass you cover.:p

Kiwiracing

11-10-2005, 12:46 PM

Sorry if this has been posted before, my wife just sent it to me....

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph,and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

Cheers
Kiwiracing

wayno

14-10-2005, 09:42 PM

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,

"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

are you sure you are ready??

Sum Ting Wong

Geez I'm sorry. It's been a long day!
:(

timbo333

14-10-2005, 10:35 PM

:D

Wayno....that's so corny....its funny!

Thanks for the laugh....

Cheers,

Timbo.

wayno

14-10-2005, 11:01 PM

This pic cracked me up (wait for approval).

Chriso

15-10-2005, 02:32 AM

The difference between potentially and realistically!

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars..............but Realistically,......... we're living with two slu*s and a queer."

group C

15-10-2005, 12:14 PM

3 men have just finished training to join an elite military team. Just as they are congratulating each other the captain comes over and announces they have one more test.

They are all puzzled but follow the Captain to the breifing lounge. He tells them that in the next room their wifes or girlfriends are bound and gagged to a chair in the middle of the room. The Captain hands each of them a handgun and tells them that to enter, they must shoot the person sitting in the chair...

The first soldier opens the door and sees his girlfriend sitting in the chair crying and shuts the door behind him. After a few mintues of silence the man walks out crying saying he cant do it.

The second man walks in with the gun and sees his wife sitting there. Again he shuts the door behind him while the Captain and the third man wait outside. After atleast 15mins the man comes out in the same state as the first saying he couldnt go through with it.

Finally, the third man charges in to the room, slams the door shut to confront his wife. The Captain looks shocked to here the gun blasting away, after a while he hears the clicking as the gun is empty. Then there is a brief silence then loud crashes made within the room. This commotion carries on for a few mintues and the man comes out of the room drenched in blood. He turns to the Captain and says "Some f***in idiot filled the gun with blanks so I had to bash her to death with the chair."
:D

Footy

15-10-2005, 09:23 PM

A young boy had just gotten his driver's licence. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

v8coupe

17-10-2005, 04:18 PM

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a huge mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

v8coupe

17-10-2005, 04:20 PM

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's a** and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

Footy

18-10-2005, 09:37 PM

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake.:)

20-10-2005, 08:48 PM

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars..a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

NatesV8s

21-10-2005, 01:40 PM

Say this name out loud

Mike Hunt :D

Tumbo

21-10-2005, 02:03 PM

how about the good ol' brisbane broncos player Karmichal Hunt.......or as he has been mentioned in the paper K.......(and i'll leave the rest to the forumers so Admin doesn't ban me)

Leigh

21-10-2005, 02:12 PM

Originally posted by NatesV8s
Say this name out loud

Mike Hunt
Is your name Wayne Kerr?;)

Plenty of those names...

Cheers:D

VXfan

21-10-2005, 02:19 PM

I used to work with a girl named Jo King (and I'm not joking either) :)

21-10-2005, 02:27 PM

(It's an oldie but a goodie)

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door...... The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning.

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push" he answers

"Did you help him?" she asked. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed and goes out into The pouring rain. He calls out into the dark,

"Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on your swing!!" replies the drunk.